Hello everyone
Last year was a tumultuous, crazy time for many of us and was at times like razer blades on a broken heart, sometimes I wanted to self inflict emotional harm like I felt I wasn't worthy of much but sadly most struggles that came with it werent virus related for me. I was thrown into situations that I didn't really know how to handle at the time
I became a poor reflection of myself. I just didn't have the tools. Young, dumb, collapsing economy. Now? It is basically that warm throw in the back of a cold car keeping that long trip home happy, the calamine lotion on a bad skin infection, that "ahhhhh" feeling of being chest to chest with a crush because they liked you back. Sometimes we gotta break to know where the pieces lie to glue it all together. I was spoiled in life. On top of the pile of golden lego bricks you dont see the limbs of broken plastic army men. So when I fell face first I fell. And I know even still my issues with last year are nothing to racial injustice, the well over a half million Americans that lost thier life and I still thank the dieties that be that I am here. And I am new. Not different. Still learning but never afraid to take notes. But their isnt a single month that goes by that a name, a post. Even a profile picture doesn't pop in my head. "I miss turf" or "I remember Lady D being so friendly to me when others werent"
And last but not least the secret santa gifts I got from DashV still stay on top of my collection. The community warmth here is something rarely ound. We are like a big distant gamer family and I really miss everyone like that estranged step cousin coming in late to the BBQ. I just needed to take the time to step back as I wasn't in a good place. For reasons I can't disclose for personal privacy reasons and half pride. But on them cold nights crying in a bath tub. My mistake of caving to my first vice which was alcohol and all this happened at 23 after spending that time proud of lifetime sobriety. Laying in an empty tub with a Mike's harder lemonade trying not to puke leftover spaghetti into my lap, waking up and not remembering what happened the previous day. But I managed to get sober in less than 3 weeks but seeing that monster is a butterfly of death, a dancer of sorrow that will never leave my shoulder. Because now? I am happy again but some don't get so lucky. And not just normal happy. But best I ever been in my life happy. Learning Korean and Spanish happy. Having dreams happy. Knowing most of those dreams are 5 feet away from me. An arm reach. Kamikazee Keeg? BikingJahuty? Hexen? Among others. All were that mothers home cooking when the fridge wasn't so full. You can't always see the sun when it's raining but it's there. Brighter days
. These werent moments in a lifetime. They are our lifetime in one transcending moment. You? You are beautiful? Ladies? You create love out of nothing. Give a good girl a small minimum and she will make the galaxy with it. A home from a house. A life from a cell. Yet gender pay gap still exists. I know my perceptions shifted. When I was face down, the people in my life who had the most "balls" certainly didn't have testicles.With the world how it is now. I miss unity. You guys are perfect. Not just by online standards but this page is like some fountain of youth, a hidden view into lost humanity. I will never forget you guys. Weather I post 5 times a day or 5 times a year. I wanted to stop by to say. Keep hope. The world will chew you up, put you in a bubble but be like gum. Chew it. Put it in a bubble. But when they're done you stick it out. I can't wait to get back into gaming talks. Especially now that I am me again. Thank you so much. My pm box is open rain or shine. I want to be what you guys were for me. Anything and I mean anything. But damn. I feel like this isn't enough for all the happy feeling I have. You are all gorgeous. In a society of beauty standards, gamer stereotypes. You are perfect just the way you are. Love from people isnt always unconditional. When their is mush room for growth they will do anything to belittle you, but red shell how if you are ahead they will follow and stick with you. But win or lose? You guys are the star power that makes me invisible
. - Marv
