Dear Diary day #3 - Tear drops patter against my key strokes as I type my heartbeat onto an open forum. I am mere man but to those who know me I am a pitiful sack of lies, and mistrust. Fear and anguish. I look in the mirror and I have no idea the person I see. I have no recollection of this fraud, imposter and shadow of what was once MarvelVsCapcom2. The forums are not to be plagued with my incessent ramblings. It's why I come here where I can vent my feelings and not be judged as nobody cares about this thread enough to read it. In a way seether has given me an outlet here to be free. It's like for a split second, all worries, hate, exes... any breakup, and disaster. It's like I can turn on my laptop, feel the glow warm me as I stare at the cursor dance among the text. And it's like i'm home.
I devolve and lose creative energy daily, I only know of love and death. Which to me have become synonyms.
Update: A girl named Hadjer from Algeria is god. And most likely the second coming of messiah. And she saved my life and relationship. I am in debt to her.
Update 2 : If I could make a wish and pretend the ambient glow of the led bulb on the wing of a commercial liner was a shooting star above my head, i'd wish to go back to days before the stresses of trying to be invincible. By the time you read this I may have already lost myself to a point of no return. But January 1st my life changed forever. It's like a I hoped and preyed, and begged for that missing puzzle piece to come and complete me. Someone to find solace in their love in an ocean of darkness, deceit and fear. As an insecure, paranoid, social anxiety having introvert. I was in a comfortable kind of pain that I had become accustomed to. Loneliness and I accept that as my norm.
But as a new years miracle, I got everything I ever wanted. And it's not what it seems. And if i'm being honest it might have been an nightmare. I have everything I ever dreamt of in the form of a girl, heaven in a dress. I cry plenty tears, but it's like I tell myself i'm unworthy of this girl. But I tell myself i'm not that. Because after 20 years of believing I was NOTHING a girl finds something in me that even I don't find in myself. And at this point, I feel fearful. Because i've been here before with exes and best friends. That moment when you're staring at a phone in your lap, begging but the people you love never call you back or hear your cries for help. And you just drift into a depression. I can't feel that crippling moment again. It took forever to pull out of those slumps once.
I try to pinch myself awake. She is just funny, sweet, charming, popular, pretty, voice of velvet but most of all shes powerful, strong and carries so many wounds in her life but doesn't show it. Embodies female empowerment. What does she see in me? I'm a random, video game playing nerd, from a small town, on a big page. And I have pretty much the girl of my dreams. When I can't keep up with the challenges that freaking brings. And I just feel like i'm going to ruin it all. I cry tears of pain and premptively prepare myself for my unavoidable collapse. Because i'm not whatever she assumes I am. I'm not charming, funny or lovable. I am difficult to love. I am annoying and I block out all who love me. My own father doesn't like me anymore. I am a pitiful pile of lies.
I hope I can find solace in talking to people here. It's my last hope
