Which one? It's hard to say, really. Being close personal friends with both, it's like choosing between a tall glass of turnip juice and a refreshing A&W enema. I did once hang out with both of them at once, though. Now THAT was a interesting night!
Rolfe and I had where walking back from a long day of extracting buffalo dung from a mongoose's anus, otherwise known as playing Deathbots on NES to those who are not James, when we passed a Chuck E. Cheese's restaurant. We heard a commotion inside and peered through the glass to see a man apparently snorting cocaine off of a naked animatronic Pasqually. The man looked up, most of his face frosted with the booger sugar, and a beaming smile spread across his face.
"Oh, you sunofabitches round-eyes! It's been to long! I wanna party with you!" he screamed as he pushed away children and charged towards the window. As his momentum caused the powder to peel from his face we realized that it was our old friend Shiggy 'the beast from the east' Miyamoto.
"ASS YEAH!" James exclaimed, throwing me a high five. Before the sensation of the up-high skin-on-skin faded from the nerves on my hand the sound of fragmenting glass permeated my ear drums as Miyamoto's flying jump kick shattered the reinforced pane. The night sky lit up like a fireworks show as the tiny shards of glass caught the light of the flickering Chuck E. Cheese's florescent sign. Miyamoto landed face down on the sidewalk, but before either James or I could help him up he sprung to his feet and punched James square in the stomach.
"You mosquito drinking menstrual blood from a koala's shit nipples!" James exclaimed in surprise and joy, falling to his knees.
"Rolfe, you white devil! Glad to see you! Hexen too! You wonderful sonofawhore!" He laughed as he wound his foot back and sprung it forward right between my legs. I fell on my face, gripping my mangled nethers in anguish. Despite the pain, I was not unhappy. When dealing with the eccentric genius of Miyamoto, things like this where to be expected. The man was always in a drug fueled haze and you could never predict him, but you would never be bored around him. He might get lost in his own mind and assault you, but never anything serious, and with his Legend of Zelda trust fund you could always expect the best best booze, the best blow and the best babes when partying with him, the Big N's pockets where limitless.
"Get up you lazy crackers! Mario is throwing a way better party than this children's shit show and I needs to find out if it's true what's under Samus' armor!" he bellowed, sliding his tongue between his middle and ring fingers, waving it wildly and making exaggerated slurping sounds. He pulled out his VIP beeper and pushed down on the red button, causing a green pipe to burst through the street at the tax-payer's expense.
"Last one down is Wario's bitch!" Miyamoto screamed as he jumped into the pipe and descended to it's unknown depths. James and I looked at each other, deciding what to do until James broke the silence.
"When in Rome, you blow ass like the Romans!" he said as he too dove in. I hesitated for just a moment before joining him. When you party with Miyamoto you gotta let go of yourself and let the night take you where it will. As I approached the inky blackness of the pipe it seemed like I was in a void of nothing for just a few seconds before spit onto a mattress somewhere I didn't recognize. The sensory overload was real as I looked around the room, dazed and confused. I could see Mario sitting at his table, surrounded by security detail Toads, with the Princess on his lap. He nodded at me and went back to his drink. The most noticeable sound was Donkey Kong wailing as he beat the crap out of Luigi as a cheering crowd threw coins at his feet. As I turned through the room I saw Olimar sneaking under Princess Daisy's dress with a camera phone, James was having a shot with Fox McCloud, I saw Miyamoto get slapped by Samus as he made thrusting motions towards her with his pelvis. As I turned full circle Yoshi was right in my face where he hadn't been before.
"Yoshi." he said, holding up a white ball of fluff with a pair of eyes. The eyes stared into my soul, only blinking occasionally.
"I shouldn't..." I said sheepishly, trying to back off.
"YOSHI YOSHI! YOSHI!" he squealed at me angrily until I gave in. I reached out and touched the fuzzy, causing it to instantly vanish. As soon as it did, the music that had always been in the background of the party became all I could hear as it distorted into odd sounds. The room became wavy, and I could hardly keep my footing. I stumbled toward a crowd of Toads until everything was black. I regained consciousness to the sound of police sirens and banging on the door. My senses where not at full capacity as everything still rocked and waved. I saw James in the fetal position in the corner of the room, While Mario threw Miyamoto a gun, which he cocked and laughed wildly. The guests where running around in a disorganized fashion, screaming and wailing. I couldn't be here man! I stumbled my way to the bathroom where I got it into my head that the toilet was the pipe back to the surface. I stuck my head in, trying to fit my whole body down as I heard gunfire outside and Miyamoto's wicked cackling. The last thing I heard was the bathroom door being kicked in as I lost consciousnesses in the murky toilet water.
I stumbled awake in a panic. I breathed heavily as I surbeyed the room. I was in the middle of my bed, with James one one side, and Miyamoto on the other, sleeping peacefully Powerpuff Girl style.
Had it all been a dream? I didn't know. I didn't have much time to think about it either as I drifted back to sleep in seconds.