Establishing meaningful active friendships as an adult

[dashv]

I remember as a kid interacting with friends outside of school on a regular basis.

While in college, between classes and work on a regular basis.

My parents would also have company over or go to friends houses and play cards, etc.

Now I rarely have company over. _rarely_ get invited to others places. I have a couple of friends but no one I’d say I’m really “tight” with anymore.

Is it society at large that’s become less physically social?

It’s not that I’m a gamer because I honestly rarely game anymore and when I do it’s at hours folks usually don’t hang out.

Do you still hang out with friends often? Have folks you are tight with? How do you keep it going?

Have you ever moved and had to make friends all over again? How do you do it?

I probably sound really lame right now but I’m totally serious.

I’ve been feeling pretty isolated and alone since moving to California 8 years ago.

Folks can’t afford to stay in the same area for long. They are super easily offended. Or crazy busy with the grind of their own lives.

I can’t be the only one wanting some healthy semi frequent camaraderie.

[wolff242]

Man, I can relate. Until I moved 15 years ago, I was super social. Going out with friends a couple times a week...friends were at my house every weekend. I had a ton of friends, and making friends was easy enough. As soon as I moved it just stopped. I'm friendly with people, get along well with coworkers and such, but I haven't made any real friends either. I NEVER have company anymore. It's like....I just lost the ability to make friends overnight...It was really hard to adjust to at 1st, but I'm pretty used to it now. FYI I was right about to turn 30 when I moved.

Edit: I actually got into video games because of my newly found lamenesse. ( I had been into games pretty good until I graduated HS- so it wasn't totally new) I moved in 2003 and got my Xbox 360 a bit over 7 years later....so gaming wasn't the reason for me either- I gave it plenty of time. Might be why I care less now though, LOL

[redblaze57]

That was a big reason I decided to actually start playing Magic the Gathering was so I could go out and interact with others. I think that ended up being a good decision

[dashv]

That was a big reason I decided to actually start playing Magic the Gathering was so I could go out and interact with others. I think that ended up being a good decision

Ever play Dominion?

[oldgamerz]

I am a loner pretty much also. I live with my family, I don't like to go places, I lost too much faith in people to have friends again. I lost one recently because I just can't trust anyone. As a child I all the friends I had would steal from behind my back. Now my last friend never stole from me as far as I know.

 But he liked to stay active and I am not interested in outside activities like concerts, bars and fast food. I would not even go to any rock concerts that I had a chance to go to. I just felt uncomfortable with the idea of going to rock concerts, the bar, the gym and fast food with another man. I stay at home for days and listen to my music collection today, with the television and the occasional video game

[bikingjahuty]

I think it's very common to lose touch with friends as you get older. It's easy when you're in high school and before that since most people have few if any real responsibilities or obligations and they have way more free time to invest in their friendships. Essentially as soon as you get to college this dramatically shifts, and then once again when you get a full time job. Add in significant others and kids and any and all free time you have is completely destroyed. This makes it incredibly hard to create or maintain friendships with others, at least from my own personal experience and I don't even have kids. But I think it's incredibly common and I wouldn't feel too bad about it.


Personally this has sort of worked out in my favor. I've become increasingly introverted the older I've become and value alone time way more than getting together with old friends or new ones. My girlfriend has been just the right amount of social interaction I need for a while now, eliminating pretty much any desire I've had to make new friends or get together with old ones.

[topspot123]

I specifically feel your pain.  I've gone from one extreme to the other.  In my early adulthood, I couldn't have prayed for a better situation regarding friends.  I had 4 of the greatest friends.  All great people, friends with all of their spouses. 

Our house was the congregation spot.  My wife and I constantly made choices based on our home being accommodating to groups of people.

Then time slowly spread us out, both geographically and in life.  Their life paths have lead us apart in a way that it's sometimes hard to relate with each other.  We never have guests anymore. 

I don't feel that I have any room to complain since I had been given so much so early.  Most people only have one best friend, at most. 

I have spent the last year trying to make social connections online, but I'm inconsistent because my job keeps me so busy. 

[Agozer]

Everything said here can be more or less applied to me, except moving around a lot. I value my alone time tremendously, perhaps a little too much at times. I just like being at home. I've never been very social, yet I can't say that I've been antisocial either.

[topspot123]

Everything said here can be more or less applied to me, except moving around a lot. I value my alone time tremendously, perhaps a little too much at times. I just like being at home. I've never been very social, yet I can't say that I've been antisocial either.

That sounds very much like me.  I'm pretty introverted and I have a high tolerance for loneliness you could say.  I'm just bothered sometimes (like the OP) because I don't have any regular friends or social times.   

[emporerdragon]

Truly one of the big pitfalls of adulthood. In my circle of friends, it's been getting harder and harder to get our big board game nights scheduled. There's always one fly in the ointment or another that pops up. Having no free time sucks, we just want to get some more games of Scythe in and to finish up our risk legacy campaign.

[betelgeuse]

I think it just comes with age unfortunately.

Everybody has their kids, spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend that need to be involved in all decisions made. When I was in high school and college it was fairly easy to get a group of 25+ to have a bbq, party or boxing/UFC night. I’m lucky to get 10 people to commit to an event these days.

Many people I know are friends with one another because their kids are friends. Some people I know only hang out with people they work with.

I think the majority of people these days go outta their way to not meet new people. Next time you get on Bart or ANY public place...everybody not with somebody has their face glued to their phone.

[dreama1]

I talked with someone from a different country. A hotter climate. They had no such issues. I can only assume it's modern society/culture here that creates this vacuum/bubble.

[tpugmire]

It’s tough. I have a couple good friends, but nobody I really get to see all that often. My work schedule makes it hard to hang out with anyone, so it’s mostly family that I hang out with. DashV is one of my best friends, and we’ve hung out twice. 

[dashv]

I think the majority of people these days go outta their way to not meet new people. Next time you get on Bart or ANY public place...everybody not with somebody has their face glued to their phone.

This is absolutely a California thing. I’ve had people pissed I held a door open for them. Look at me like a looney person because I said hello while out on a walk. That’s if they even acknowledge I said something.

It’s tough. I have a couple good friends, but nobody I really get to see all that often. My work schedule makes it hard to hang out with anyone, so it’s mostly family that I hang out with. DashV is one of my best friends, and we’ve hung out twice. 

Thanks TPugmire! I really enjoyed visiting with you on your 40th birthday. Those couple of days made me wish I lived local! Couldn’t get my wife and son on board though.

I feel a bit better knowing so many can relate. This community is so amazing. I may take breaks now and then. But I can’t stay away.

[marvelvscapcom2]

I know what you mean especially as of late .  The older I get the harder it is and I feel like i'm running out of time.  I pick things apart in my mind a lot and alienate myself unknowingly. It's my biggest pain lately and makes me very depressed.  It feels good knowing their are many others out there, especially in this community that feel this way too.  It really sucks and it gets harder as time passes to find the will or way to build a good friendship that isn't with someone out to use or hurt you.  It just never works right for me anymore.   And most friends of today are usually just friends digitally.  It's the state of the world.
 
I feel like I don't put enough effort into fixing things or caring for people enough sometimes too. I probably need counceling.  It's just scary to face the stuff.  It's so much easier to just be Arthur Morgan or someone you wish you could be in real life.


 I think eventually I will vacation and get out to some of these meet and greets and expos with other gamers.  Maybe even cosplay.   That'd be a good place to try to find friends.       And in the mean time,  I have the essential building blocks to keep positive.   


Plus in these forums.  I consider many of you my friends.       

Hope all is best for you DashV and everyone else