Dear Diary Entry #17- Today has been a crippling low point in the series of unfathomable lows
I hear acid rain, I just feel this constant and consistent pressure in my chest. Anxiety and insecurities. I set myself up for my inevitable doom but it never comes. This thread has acted as a crutch, I was told by someone recently to vocalize, and catelog my situations, feelings. This diary provides a bit of a place to seek serenity, solace and comfort. Like a little world where I can enter and be myself. My Seether palace. Today is mother's day. My mother has done more for me than I can ever muster in mere words. Was the shoulder to cry on when I would scrape a knee, through depression, and bouts with ADHD and compulsive disorders. She was there through every hospital visit, tonsil surgery. She's like a comic book hero penned by Stan Lee. No woman is as strong to me.
But I sit, the sound of rain drops trickling against the glass of my windows. In the darkness. A stomach filled of starburst flavored jelly beans. And to be honest.... I don't know what to make of my sad pitiful existence anymore. I'm 23 years old, the thought of my moms tear drops pattering against the wood of the floor is what keeps me in this world to begin with. On such a happy day, a celebratory day to bask in love with my family. I am in a locked room, I spend most days laying on the floor even though I have a bed. I feel like a man of shattered dreams. Like i'm chasing an ever elusive rabbit through a forest trying to keep up with the complexities of life. And the harder I try, the harder I fall. I just want all my dreams, their in my hands but I shake myself awake. I'm haunted by the past, memories of each breakup. The feeling of love you sense when you're in a euphoric mind state chest to chest with destiny, but then it's snatched from you like taking a toy from a toddler. I'm a slave to the soil. Today millions of people will die. They wanted a chance at life that they'll never truly get again. Children dying of lukemia. 5 years old. Stripped of that chance and here I am, Healthy, hundreds of luxuries and even a girlfriend. And I have selfish thoughts. I think of myself lower than that of mud, trash, toxic sludge under a plumbers boot in a septic tank far below the depths of hell. Irradiating pain. I pay people 10 dollars for facebook likes. I am that pathetically invested in an alter persona that I have some sort of depressing intanglement with it. I value my entire life's worth on the consistency and quality of posts.
If god were to come down now, shatter the earth in half, crash us with the holy water until we drown in the blood of jesus. I just hope that my alleigence with the other side may come soon, and if I were to perish, may the wound help my mother be blessed for many eternity. I suffer so much, and every day that glass mirror gets tougher to watch. I am infactuated with death, I just feel like life is one big series of obstacles set to knock you down. And just when you think you've figured it out, like a rubik's cube it twists and foils your plans and knocks you to the ground in a beaten mess. What is Love without Hate. 2 4 letter words. Antonyms of one another. But damn.... You can't have a ship, a ship sinks. I have abondoment issues. And any of you here who are angered by the previous posts I have made. I apologize
I am foiled. I am a spoiled, entitled brat who can't ponder the thought of not being adequate enough for people i've never met so I shut aside the people who actually love me. I have been strong this far, but I feel my grip loosening. Because what's happiness without the people you love? What marraige or life without a family to cheer you on at the alter. I'm not sure what's about to happen next. But I ask for strength and guidance from a higher power. Not god. But spirtual energies. Encompass me, electrically, statically. Save me.
