I probably have you all beat...unfortunately. I work as a Corrections Officer. Messed up stuff... If you find the deranged dealings of offenders too much..please stop reading now...
One of the favorite magazine back in the day before the system banned them was Nasty. They came with these giant, fold-out posters that were about 4 feet by 6 feet. One night we were doing the 12:30 count. One of the cells, this guy was sitting up at the end of his bunk with a "Nasty" poster all sprawled out in front of him. I figured he was doing his "handiwork" and left well enough alone. Well, our count came up one short so we went back out (I was not assigned to that unit and was filling in, thus did not know the offenders). Lo & behold, we ended up back at the "Nasty" cell and what did I see? Under the poster, another guy's leg was sticking out from under it!
In the general population units, the showers had a solid door that covered from about your knees to your mid-chest. While observing the offenders on wing recreation, I noticed one of the men showering had four legs. Guess what was going on there!
When we had to take the offenders to shower in the segregation units, we walked around and made a list first. When I approached a particular cell, I saw one offender bent over the toilet holding his butt cheeks apart. His daddy had a pat of butter in his hand, getting it all over his fingers.
Yeah, I guess they figure they would get to business before shower time.
And the worst one of all in my 18 years at this job....
A co-worker of mine, a Sgt. and the coroner had to bag and carry a body out of a cell at about 3:00AM back in 2000. His cellie murdered him, bit the side of his face off where you could see his teeth. His left eye was avulsed (hanging out) and said cellie decided to rape him afterwards. There is a disturbing aura with death. It's hard to explain. It's not like a viewing at a funeral home. And there is a smell of death. Not the typical smell you associate with something rotting like a dead animal. It's something that will always be with me. Unfortunately, I'll never forget it.