fuck complicated interpersonal relationships and their ability to cause pain when they really never should...
so last night I got a phone call from a very good female friend, one I have known for 10+ years, that I have knowingly not talked to for just about a year now because all throughout our friendship I had very deep feelings for her that continue to this day. but also all throughout our friendship she had never dated and had zero want to. well during this call was just the same old typical stuff, just catching up one each others life, and me flirting with every word (completely unintentionally, it just sort of happens with her). she just graduated from college and is going through the hard process of finding a job, and then she asked what the market was like up where I moved and was talking about maybe if she found a job around me we could room together (which is great because I have the room and everything). things like that... and then she mentioned her boyfriend... and I know why it hurt me but I never thought it would hurt me that bad just finding out this small piece of information. this is a person that I spent the better part of a decade trying to get to like me enough to date me. that given the opportunity I would break up with my girlfriend just to be with and finding out that all of it was more or less in vain.
just knowing that I lost probably the only opportunity I will have hurt me very very deeply, also knowing that their is a possibility that she would come and room with me knowing the kind of person she is and her relationship status pretty much screams to me that she will never feel the same way about me that I feel about her.. its just almost unbearable..
I drank pretty heavily after our phone call, which if you know me is extremely out of character, and plan on doing the same tonight just to try and stop me from crying while not in the company of others..
again fuck relationships.
It sucks, and you can't just turn off feelings, but you know this girl doesn't feel the same way, you shouldn't beat yourself up over it. I'm sure she has her reasons, whether they be shallow or justified, but you can't change that and you shouldn't abuse yourself over it.
My own personal situations with this, I have low self esteem, so every time I met a girl and became friends, I would obsess over the girl, but I would also always think I'm out of their league, so I would friend zone myself. At least 2 out of those who knows how many relationships, I found out years later that the feeling was entirely mutual. I went out with one of the girls and realized that we actually had very very little in common, interests and hobbies don't get conveyed in public settings. The other girl, by this point she lived who knows where and I had recently started dating the woman who would be my wife. I stopped talking to a lot of those girls a long long time ago, I don't really keep in touch with any one in general, but I don't know how many times I did that to myself. But when I think back on it, thinking in hindsight about how I should have done something, I also think about that one relationship, and how I probably have nothing in common with these girls.
Not at all suggesting that that is your situation.
